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:icondragon-demygod: More from Dragon-Demygod


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Submitted on
December 29, 2012
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My love, my life, my blood.
What beauty you hold for me.
You have comforted me always,
Despite what people have done to you.

You are created not by hands or hearts,
Not by the words of love sick poets,
Or by musicians torn apart.

But now my love, you are dulled.
What has happened to me?
I can't hear your inner meaning,
And all your words are untrue.

Now, my love, it's silence that has replaced you.
I don't know how it has come to be.
Although the silence burns me,
It's better then what you have lost in meaning.
I fear missing my music, which has been feed to me sense I was born.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
Hey there, dropping by to critique.

I love the theme, as music is very therapeutic and special to a lot of people, and you have written about it well. However, a few niggles:

1. In ST 2 you mention that the music is NOT created by those things, but you then move on without saying what the music is created by. I expected a ST explaining where the music comes from, and instead you go straight into the 'you are dulled' ST. I would consider adding an extra ST here for more clarification.

2. You say in your comments that you 'fear losing the music' but in the final stanza it has been lost and replaced by silence. I know that the 'lost in meaning' ties in with the previous ST, but maybe you can find some way of re-writing ST 4 so that it doesn't sound as if the music has already been lost?

You've punctuated this nicely and your grammar is good.
Overall I like it a lot.

Jo
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconknow-it-like-a-poet:
Critique by Know-It-Like-A-Poet Jan 4, 2013, 5:39:16 PM
It had a decent beginning with the powerful description of what music is to you. Also I liked how at times the tone sounded like music was an intimate partner or friend.

At times this was vague. For example in the first stanza last sentence. It should be more specific or at least show some insight on what people have done to it.

The second stanza throws a reader off based off the verb used in the very first line. It had the sound as though that has always been, which I feel is not what you were trying to say. I would suggest saying something along the lines of ‘no longer’.

This is just a personal suggestion that you don’t have to consider but in that same first sentence in the second stanza, I think it would sound better if you used ‘nor’ instead of ‘or’.

A logical error I found was in the last sentence. It traces back to the third stanza. When you said that music has been replaced with silence, at first, I thought you said that music has been replaced with silence because there was no meaning in it and therefore not considered music. An example is when people hear something they don’t like and say something along the lines of “that’s not music”.

But since your last sentence is talking about silence literally, there are a few misunderstandings that can arise.

One possibility is the fact you fast forwarded too much from the third to fourth stanza without giving an explanation on how music of all kinds ceased to exist. That was another example of the vagueness too. The second line saying, “I don’t know how it has come to be” is not good enough.

Or another possible misunderstanding is that in the last sentence of the third stanza you said “all your words are untrue”… if music no longer exists then how can it have words let alone them being true or not?

On a more positive note, your language was light and simple and I could feel the emotion because it is a very relative feeling to many people including me. Music is not what it used to be in some areas.

My critique might seem cold but there is a song with lyrics that show the kind of level a theme like this can be taken to. I don’t know if this fits your taste but at least just take a look at the words and its meaning:

[link](Again)-Lyrics.html

Something I was not fond of in the concept of this. I’m going to use an example from these lyrics. This rapper is not talking about the death of music in general… It is usually a narrow view to imply that all music is dying because there are areas that are actually thriving.
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:iconsutsuki-sensei:
Good, emotional piece. And i am right along with you. Music is a major part of my life, as is writing. I would be terrified to lose either one.
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:icondragon-demygod:
Indeed, it would be awful.
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:iconaisuruthewolf1:
Music is wonderful. Losing it would not be.
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